Ours

We entered the scanning room..I stepped down from the wheelchair and laid down on the bed. Hubby was standing at the corner of the bed,doctor was on my right..He put on the fluid on my abdomen..oh my goodness,i've been through this every week and yet this time i felt the doctor took the longest time preparing me for the scanning..
Hubby hold my feet,I looked at him and tried to smile to his nervous and worried face but no respond from him..Why hubby was so worried?I wonder.."B,dont worry too much.Nothing bad is gonna happend.Lagi 4 hari kan kita nak jumpa Akif dah.."I told him, inside my head..
I looked at the monitor when the doctor started the scanning..Is it true or just my poor sight?I didnt see any heartbeat!YA ALLAH!!Immediately I took away my sight from the monitor and looked up..Please God,let me be wrong!Tak sanggup rasanya nak tengok monitor tu lagi.. Gynae nampak what i saw and he quickly lift up the sensor from my belly and try to scan again. He tried so hard to hide it from me and whenever i looked at the monitor,he scanned other parts of Akif,the foot, the hands..etc..And from that moment I know,I shouldnt be looking at the monitor. I took a deep breath and stared the ceiling.The gynae tarik monitor,tak kasi tengok monitor..He scanned Akif thoroughly..
Apa yang ada dalam kepala mama masa tu,mama teringat semula my visit to the gynae..how excited we were tiap kali buat scanning..bila balik je,mesti excited gile..sebab dapat tengok Akif masa scanning..dapat tengok Akif's development,dapat tengok Akif gerak-gerak..memang excited..Now,lagi 4 hari nak jumpa Akif,lagi laa tak sabar..
Baju Akif? - mama dah basuh dah.Nanti mama nak suruh papa beli lagi la baju Akif sebab baju yang ada tu mama rasa tak cukup lagi laa..Tapi takpe kat Shah Alam mall kat depan hospital ni pun ada satu kedai jual baju baby,alah kat seberang jalan ni pun ada kedai Anakku..
Almari Akif? - papa dah beli dah,baju2 Akif semua dah siap tergantung kat dalam almari pun..
Pampers? - dah beli dah..ada 48 keping lagi..minggu lepas pun mama dah buat leaking test kat pampers Akif pun,mama test power pampers tu,so far mama memang puas hati,mama rasa pampers Anakku ni not bad..Bila mama tuang segelas air kat atas pampers tu,dia menyerap dengan bagusnya..takde kebocoran..
Tilam and bantal? -Opah dah siapkan pun..tilam n bantal kekabu lagi tu..Warna hijau opah buat untuk Akif,gambar kartun Sonic lagi tu..Tilam pun mama dah keluarkan dan letak kat atas almari Akif..Bila nak guna nanti,boleh ambik je terus..
Hospital bag? - eh,beg hospital Akif kat dalam kereta papa laa..Takpe nanti kalau incase mama kena admit dalam ward,papa boleh ambik dah hospital bag Akif tu..
Car seat? -papa dah pasang kat dalam kereta dah pun..
Stroller? -eh,stroller hari tu,papa dah masukkan dalam boot ke belum ye?..Nanti mama nak suruh papa masukkan lah..Akif,jangan lupa tau..papa dah janji nak bawak Akif naik stroller pastu kita gi jogging kat tasik kat rumah kita tu...

"Aida,I had bad news for you.."macam suara gynae je tu..

Carrier?
-eh,car seat Akif kan sekali boleh jadi carrier,kira dah pasang la dalam kereta tu..

"Aida...I had bad news for you.."

I heard him..What was he saying?Bad news for me?YA ALLAH..

"Aida,we went through this scanning procedure many times before..and i know you know how this thing works.And,I didnt see any heartbeat, Aida..Anak u dah takde.."Mama nampak papa dah tutup muka,papa dah menangis..Kenapa papa nangis pulak ni?Papa datang terus pegang tangan mama..

Eh,checklist mama tadi dah habis ke belum?banyak lagi mama tak check barang2 Akif ni..

"Doctor,jangan tipu saya..check la betul-betul..doctor jangan tipu saya..lagi 4 hari saya nak jumpa anak saya ni.."Airmata dah jatuh macam air terjun...

"Aida,anak u dah takde..heartbeat memang dah takde..I sendiri tak tahu apa punca..from the scanning ni I tak tahu apa sebab jadi macam ni..everything looks ok..cord pun tak terbelit..between your last checkup on Friday until today,I dont know what had happened.."

Mama terus meraung sekuat-kuat hati..

Papa hold my hands..We cried in each others arms..Gynae left the room..